Latvia footballers field holograms against Dutch

The Latvian Football Association on Sunday fielded a squad of holograms against the Netherlands in a Euro 2016 qualifier in Amsterdam, officials from the European football body UEFA said.

After a 6-0 thrashing won by the Dutch, UEFA opted to investigate reports that the Latvians had enabled a hologram system to play the game in lieu of their players.

One stadium employee said he saw the team huddled in a back room behind the locker room during the first half playing table soccer, watching winter biatholon heats, drinking beer and telling jokes.

“We strongly suspect that the Latvians decided they didn’t have an adequate chance in the game and fielded a squad of 11 holograms in the match against the Dutch,” Rolf Egerson, UEFA field investigations director, told News Snot.

The Dutch led 3-0 at the half — the Dutch could easily have been ahead by double that margin were it not for several questionable offsides calls against the Orange and a few near misses.

“Of course these reports were not true,” Latvian Football Association spokesman Girts Ivanovs was quoted as saying. “But in a parallel universe, when you have a lesser football nation like Latvia scheduled against a football giant like Netherlands, perhaps it could be conceivable to take a day to maybe show up but maybe not to play.

“Perhaps if someone in a dark tunnel under the stadium offered us the possibility of using a technological solution to actually give us the option of fielding virtual players and losing a one-sided match that would be fun for their fans would make some sense to us. We could avoid injuries and exhaustion and some of our players would rather play the foozball and drink some beers than play the Dutch. But again, this is only theoretically,” Ivanovs added.

The hologram technology was reportedly supplied by a Finnish concern, Woosikko, based in Parmmalatte.

The Dutch, meanwhile, had mixed feelings about the allegations that their Latvian opponents were holograms.

“They looked pretty realistic, but there were an awful lot of shots that went through their entire bodies,” one Dutch player who wished to remain unidentified told News Snot.

A Netherlands official close to the investgation showed outrage at the possibility of the ruse: “This is utterly pathetic. I can’t tell you how many such complaints I’ve heard about the better European teams playing against legions of light in the qualifiers. Why don’t they just send us their women?”

“This is a load of crap. It’s like Area 51 meets UEFA,” another Netherlands player quipped. “There were big husky Latvians on the field playing against us and they kicked too. They dented my shin.”

 

No witnesses to food court shootout due to iPhones

A shootout at a crowded food court in a mall in Nevada left several people dead but no witnesses because everyone in the food court at the time was focused on their phones.

What was assumed by police and coroners to be a gangland-style shootout with no survivors in the middle of the food court at the Family Gardens Center mall near Reno, Nevada, has been dumbfounding detectives because no one on the scene at the mall actually looked up from their phones to be able to describe the incident.

“There was a shootout, we think, and there were at least 150 people in the room, but there are no witnesses because everyone was busy with their mobile phone devices and no one really noticed until well after the shooting stopped,” Lt. Jake Murphy, a detective with the South Reno Police Department, told News Snot.

One patron, Orlando Beeswick, reported that he almost saw what was going on.

“I thought I heard something going on, like real loud, but I was in the middle of a best score of Particle-Man,” he said.

“All of sudden there was like some hubbub, then by the time we realized that something awful happened, there were cops rushing us outside and ambulances and stuff,” Mooby Winowski, a patron of LipServiss, a nearby cosmetics store, told News Snot. “I was comparing their products with Amazon when it happened so I kind of missed it.”

But many were completely in the dark.

“I didn’t hear nothing,” Lewis Skyles, a guy eating teriyaki right in the middle of four dead bodies said. “I was just like eating and reading my Facebook and they was shooting each other dead.”

Police said they were continuing to interview mall patrons but were losing confidence they could complete their investigation.

“I’ve had it with this. I’m going home to listen to my 8-track,” Benicent Willigrew, a local detective, said.

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U.S. President Barack Obama, minutes after giving a speech saying he would amnesty illegal immigrants in the country after the November elections, signed an order that mistakenly freed nearly all regularly held inmates in the U.S. federal and state prison systems.

The order, a spoof of the immigration presidential order written by junior interns at the White House, called for the release of 1.9 million prisoners in the U.S., including maximum security and death row inmates, effective immediately.

Obama signed it without noticing, but because it had the presidential seal and his signature, federal and state authorities had no alternative but to comply.

“Jeez, we wrote up the spoof order as a place holder on the desk, but the writers were late with the real one, so the president signed the wrong one,” said Lev Monisky, an intern at the White House.

By 2 p.m., most of the prison facilities in the U.S. were emptied, with prisoners celebrating in the streets, bars and private meth houses.

“This was f***ing retarded, but I sure am enjoying it,” Joey Mancuso, a 31-year-old inmate freed from a 40-year sentence for grand theft auto, told News Snot.

Another inmate of the New Jersey prison system, freed after serving two years on drug charges, said he would waste no time in getting back to the “cop spot.”

Officials at the White House were confident the correct amnesty pledge — the one offering amnesty to the illegal immigrants — would be signed at a future White House ceremony.

Sammy Stein, a White House press office official said that the federal government acknowledged the error but was trying to make the best of it.

“One positive way to see it is, ‘Hey, we’ve got a lot of new real estate on the market for new elementary schools — another one of the president’s initiatives. Some of our newer prison facilities don’t even need to be retrofitted,” Stein said.

“That’s just dumb. The government could have 4.2 million people locked up within a month if it wanted. They should use the empty prisons for that, not schools.” Fred Wilson, a public vigilante patrolling the streets of Omaha, Nebraska, told News Snot.

Inmates held in jail on certain charges, including jaywalking, cable theft and political crimes, were not covered under the amnesty order.

 

Earth-bound Comet Seen as “Cosmic Karma” Due to Weak Singing — Scientists

Could voice transformers be triggering a potential Armageddon?

Scientists from a leading cosmological observatory have speculated that a recently tracked meteorite has actually changed course towards earth and is seen colliding with earth in 2017-2018.

This comes after a much smaller meteorite slammed Russia in February.

The reason? Voice transformers.

“Voice transformers actually send out certain frequencies that escape into deep intergalactic space and can actually influence the path of interstellar objects, even comets and meteorites, asteroids and the like, and this one, e-3038-vX5, has, hypothetically, had its path influenced by these frequencies,” Millard Dilt, a scientist with the Near Earth Projectiles Institute in Coventry, U.K., told News Snot. “Now, I believe, the goddamn thing is aimed directly at us and it’s impact could wipe out billions. Perhaps the only way to stop it is to either send out a blast of voice transformers on a different frequency to push it off its path and then to outlaw the use of them forever.”

David Shtrop, observer at the McAllen Belt Project at Las Altas Observatory in the High Andes, agrees. “I would say we’ve got to throw all that awful voice transformer music we’ve got at that asteroid and then, cease and desist forever. I do believe that this is cosmic karma on this planet for letting that crap get played on public airwaves anyway. God I hate voice transformers. It’s just a blanket covering up bad singing.”

The problem is, meteor 3-3038-vX5 is not actually a meteorite, but is a meteor. It is much larger than the usual meteorite.

“It’s almost the size of a comet,” said David Polanski, of the Newmar Springs, California, observatory. “It could actually wipe Canada off the map, whatever that would mean to the Risk board. That’s why I and several other concerned astronomers have been petitioning congress to have voice transformers and that really awful pop music that goes along with it outlawed and sunk to the bottom of the seas where it would overpowered by whale groanings.”

Not so, said Mizzi Legzzup, of VazzuDisk, a label known for signing talentless singers and then glossing over their voice flaws with transformer tricks, much in the same way that high-gloss men’s magazines airbrush over ladies’ bodily flaws throughout the ages. “I don’t care how many comets meteors or asteroids are on their way, there’s no way we’re ever going to stop using the voice boxes with our talent. It makes their singing so beautiful.”

Polanski disagreed. “Voice changers are a scourge. There’s like billions of them out there now. They sound like shit and they’re nothing but toys sold for stupid people to play with and for even stupider people to enjoy listening to. After the comet hits, I’m going to be the first one in line to string that Legzzup chick up, if her leggings haven’t been singed too badly that she isn’t at home hiding in her bathtub.”

Charlie Sheen Grabs New MidEast Envoy Role, Vows “Belly Dancers Under Pentagon”

If the U.S.’s new film ambassador has his way, these new “exports” from the Levant might be adding a little wiggle room to the Georgetown party scene in D.C.

President Obama on Saturday named Charlie Sheen the new U.S. Film Ambassador to the Middle East, North Africa, Central and South Asia, a position created in the wake of a controversial anti-Islam film that  sparked outrage throughout the Islamic world.

“Essentially this ambassador role is a film ombudsman role to the entire Islamic world, to the umma, if you will,” a leading film critic told News Snot. “I think in light of all the hullabaloo that happened over there over the offensive video about their prophet, Obama opted to put a Hollywood type in charge of outreach, one who has a history of questioning Uncle Sam’s involvement in 9/11 and all that.”

The  violent protests that erupted as a result of the the film, “Innocence of Muslims,” resulted in the death of U.S. Ambassador to Libya Chris Stevens. He and three other Americans were killed in the siege of the U.S. consulate in Benghazi.

Sheen is best known for his role as a film and TV actor, including roles in Platoon (1986), The Wraith (1986), Wall Street (1987), Major League (1989),  Two and a Half Men, and Anger Management. In 2010, Sheen was the highest paid actor on television and earned US$1.8 million per episode of Two and a Half Men. But Sheen also gave interviews alleging that the U.S. government was also behind the 9/11 attacks. Nevertheless, Sheen, a fervent Bush critic, now has a chance to give back.

“We got into this pickle because of a bad film, and now here’s a guy that can show them how a guy who’s been in some good films can represent,” Obama told reporters.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton added: “At first I was a little reluctant to sign on with this appointment, given all that Mr. Sheen has been through, but they convinced me that he has been quite the example of a real turnaround kind of guy.”

Sheen showed up at the press conference in his trademark sunglasses, a dark suit, and an entourage of scantily clad ladies known for their work in the adult film industry.

“I’m not going to butter anyone up with any diplomatic language. I know they’re going to want to put on a pretense of being a reformed Charlie Sheen, free from the drugs and the ladies, and the controversies, but that’s not the point,” he said. “The point is that I wasn’t put in this post to be a diplomat. I was put in this post because I know how to win. And folks, they are sending me to Mars to produce films. So I am going to turn our consulates and our embassies out here into high-class film studios and they are going to put that nutcase who made that Muhammad film to shame and make my own films with my girls and do the Libyans and al Qaeda proud.”

Ambassador Sheen sees hookah-toking K Street wonks becoming the norm inside the beltway.

Sheen said his first project: would be a “bridge between earth and mars, a bit of payback.”

He added: “It’s going to be like 1,000 Spanish belly dancers at a trying to entertain all those fat generals underneath the Pentagon while they plan their next 9/11. We’ll be importing American film standards to the Mideast and exporting their culture over to K Street where they could use it. Sure, maybe the people in the Middle East will trust us. Hah — I wouldn’t hold your breath. But maybe, just maybe, we can start to transform Washington using some of their hookahs, snake charmers, and magic carpet rides.”

Decorated Driver Causes Massive Pileup on Route 1 in Jersey

A pile-up near Princeton was caused by a decorated nuclear physicist who the Chinese say championed the cause of safe driving in their own land.

A nuclear physicist who won several safe driving awards from the People’s Republic of China caused a 52-car accident on New Jersey’s Route 1 near Princeton.

The driver, M. Fong, accomplished this feat when she made an illegal left turn around a blinding median during afternoon rush hour. Left turns are customarily illegal on U.S. Highway 1 throughout N.J., and are accomplished by using right-hand jughandles or other means to cross the highway.

“The amazing thing is, no one was seriously injured, just a lot of dented Lexuses, Beamers, and Benzes and a helluva lot more frayed nerves,” said Sgt. Ralph Petrozzini of the New Jersey State Police, South Brunswick Barracks. “We’ve seen a lot of similar accidents in similar scenarios, but nothing this huge. I’m amazed no one was killed.”

A witness to the accident said the woman was oblivious to the “no left turn” rule on Route 1.

“She obviously had no idea what she was doing,” said one local petroleum industry representation Robbie Martinez, who was outside handling manual gas pumps at the time of the collision. “I was watching her with her left turn signal on for at least a quarter-mile. People were beeping at her like crazy as they usually do whenever someone tries to make the illegal left at the light there, but they eventually left her alone to her own devices. Next she plows into a white van, the van skids sidewise into a Benz SUV, which hits a small truck and takes that with it into the northbound lanes, and all hell broke loose very quickly in both directions.”

The Chinese symbols for safety.

Wang Sheng-Fu of the Chinese Superior Driver Association told News Snot the driver in question won awards three years in a row before moving to the U.S. and could not possibly have been the cause of the pile-up. “It is puzzling that the authorities think she could have caused this accident,” Wan told News Snot in a phone interview from Guangzhou, China. ” In China we have the safest drivers in the world and she is one of the safest drivers in China. I can’t comprehend how anyone could think this could possibly have happened this way.”

“I’ll tell that commie how,” quipped Joe DeMitrio, on hand for the accident cleanup. “Motor Vehicles gives licenses to anyone. A lot of these intellectuals up here in Princeton, especially the ones straight off the boat, they don’t even drive in their own countries. Then they come here and they kill people with their cars because they don’t know any of the laws.”

Preliminary estimates have totaled damages at $12.3 million.

Fong’s white Lexus received some damage but was not totaled. Family members who wish not to be identified by name told News Snot that they would be considering purchasing a new Volvo because of the “unpredictable” nature of American roads.

The Besnotted Reporter

She tries to inhale said mucus back into her nostril when she looks askance, but then it drips onto the mike anyway. Btw, this is not why we named this blog News Snot. We chose the other, vernacular meaning of “snot.”

Govt to Use Fly Drones on General Population, ACLU to Fight “Biggest Lawsuit” in History

New fly drones could give new meaning to “bug” for both the federal government and its subjects.

That pesky little bugger buzzing your left ear that you can’t kill for the life of you might actually be, well, bugging you for Uncle Sam.

A little known division of government intelligence, the Communications Research Center, said in a statement that it was mass releasing house fly drones into the public to gather information for what it called “purposes of miscellaneous inventories on several sectors of the population.”

The CRC statement said: “The information is for population landscape orientation, to be gathered for benign projects and will not in any way be conducted to the detriment of anyone deemed a lawful U.S. citizen.”

CRC agents dispatched clouds of these fly drones in parking lots adjacent to shopping malls, warehouses, and sporting stadiums across the country. The drones are programmed to immediately find targets inside houses, businesses, and other public spaces within days and report back streaming videos and sound to underground analysis centers across the country. Analysts have estimated that could be as many as 250,000 to 15 million such drones released.

“The Communications Research Center is so obscure that it only tells us what it wants us to know and it never answers any questions. The best way to get information out of the organization would be to somehow jerry-rig a bunch of those flies and turn them back on the CRC, at risk of having them shoot them out of the air with some other kinds of high-tech drone technology they have developed there,” David Stapleton, a government technology analyst, told News Snot.

“Never mind anything anyone from the Communications Research Center or anyone else from the federal government or the intelligence community said,” said Marc Eisenblum of the American Civil Liberties Union. “The fly drones program so blatantly tramples on the constitutional rights of citizens and anyone else in the country that it’s only a matter of time before their flies are eating their own programmers’ crow.”

The CRC was not swayed by the ACLU’s stance. “Sure, the ACLU’s going to make all kinds of bombastic pronouncements about rights and all that crap,”  quipped a CRC engineer who asked not to be identified. “But we’ve got the flies and lots of them. Millions of them. And we can also program them to buzz every ACLU member’s house from here to Timbuktu.”

A few more buzz words about the fly drones: they can actually elude would be swatters and shoot acid at assailants. “We equipped them with built-in evasion maneuvers and attack capabilities. Each fly drone carries a cost so we don’t want them easily destroyed by every mom and pop who gets annoyed by one.”

Of course, in the event that mom and pop is fast enough to successfully squash a fly drone, they would probably never know that it was a drone. The electronics inside will all turn to goo when destroyed, appearing like a fly’s innards. And if you get sprayed with the acid stream from an elusive fly on the run, it will feel like a horsefly bite.

“We might work for the government, but we’ve thought most of these angles through,” said the engineer. “Now, if you’ll let me get back to the gate before they realize someone’s missing.”

Well, mostly everything. Said the ACLU’s Eisenblum, “If the government wants to be a fly on the wall in an ordinary guy’s living room, the government is going to face the biggest lawsuit in the history of the United States.”

Obama Mistakenly Reads Concession Speech at DNC; OWS Gets Beat Up By Black Panthers

Doh! — Obama unwittingly concedes defeat in his speech at DNC when his teleprompter scrolled off the wrong speech.

The last day of the Democratic National Convention held some surprises for party faithful and nearby radicals as Obama mistakenly read the wrong speech off his teleprompter, conceding the election to Republican contender Mitt Romney, and Occupy Wall Street protesters were attacked by a group of New Black Panther Party members congregating near the convention over a perceived slight.

President Obama began his speech strongly to resounding applause, but around two minutes in, after thanking campaign members, congratulated Romney on a hard-fought campaign.

Then came this: “Americans had made their choice, and decided that four years was course enough, and that they would seek a different kind of change, and for that change, I congratulate Mr. Romney for being that change.”

Obama continued on in that vein for several more minutes without realizing that he was calling an election that had not yet been held.

His audience held their silence, probably in a state of cognitive dissonant shock. One onlooker explained it this way: “We weren’t sure why he was taking such an almost apologetic tone towards the Republicans. We were ready for blood and here was Barack coming out practically giving the house away before we even got started.”

Obama’s staffers offstage were in a similar state of shock, unable to signal to him for fear for calling out the emperor’s nudity, nor were they able to stop his teleprompter.

Then came the clincher:

“It’s about time for me to Mr. Romney to congratulate him. But before I do that, uh, wait… who downloaded this speech? Wait y’all, I’m giving the wrong speech here. I’m supposed to accepting the nomination. Looks like the teleprompter here has a mind of its own.”

The convention hall roared in delight.

Meanwhile, outside the convention, a scuffle arose between Occupy Wall Street and members of the New Black Panther Party, when OWS began cackling at Obama’s mishap. A scuffle ensued, shoves escalated into punches. and it quickly broke out into an all-out mêlée between around 30 members of OWS and around 10 NBPPs. By the time the police arrived, several Occupy Wall Street members received medical attention while there were no NBPPs on the scene.

“One of the NBPP guys came up to me, said his name with Showbiz or something, and said he didn’t like the way we were mocking the Obama speech and that we we were white imperialist racists and they were going to stamp their black boots all over our straight white heads. Then he proceeded to do just that,” OWS member Ridley Huffington told News Snot.

Another OWS protester who declined to be identified said that shortly before the police arrived several black vans with Department of Justice markings pulled on the scene and whisked away all the New Black Panther Party members. It has been alleged that Attorney General Eric Holder protects the New Black Panther Party in exchange for various unmentionable services they perform for the Department of Justice.

The Obama campaign said it investigating how the concession speech got loaded into the teleprompter so early on in the campaign season and that “definite measures would be taken if a culpable party were framed.” A campaign official who declined to be identified said they were also not ruling out the possibility of sabotage either, an allegation denied by the Romney camp.