Latvia footballers field holograms against Dutch

Humor, News, Satire, Sports

The Latvian Football Association on Sunday fielded a squad of holograms against the Netherlands in a Euro 2016 qualifier in Amsterdam, officials from the European football body UEFA said.

After a 6-0 thrashing won by the Dutch, UEFA opted to investigate reports that the Latvians had enabled a hologram system to play the game in lieu of their players.

One stadium employee said he saw the team huddled in a back room behind the locker room during the first half playing table soccer, watching winter biatholon heats, drinking beer and telling jokes.

“We strongly suspect that the Latvians decided they didn’t have an adequate chance in the game and fielded a squad of 11 holograms in the match against the Dutch,” Rolf Egerson, UEFA field investigations director, told News Snot.

The Dutch led 3-0 at the half — the Dutch could easily have been ahead by double that margin were it not for several questionable offsides calls against the Orange and a few near misses.

“Of course these reports were not true,” Latvian Football Association spokesman Girts Ivanovs was quoted as saying. “But in a parallel universe, when you have a lesser football nation like Latvia scheduled against a football giant like Netherlands, perhaps it could be conceivable to take a day to maybe show up but maybe not to play.

“Perhaps if someone in a dark tunnel under the stadium offered us the possibility of using a technological solution to actually give us the option of fielding virtual players and losing a one-sided match that would be fun for their fans would make some sense to us. We could avoid injuries and exhaustion and some of our players would rather play the foozball and drink some beers than play the Dutch. But again, this is only theoretically,” Ivanovs added.

The hologram technology was reportedly supplied by a Finnish concern, Woosikko, based in Parmmalatte.

The Dutch, meanwhile, had mixed feelings about the allegations that their Latvian opponents were holograms.

“They looked pretty realistic, but there were an awful lot of shots that went through their entire bodies,” one Dutch player who wished to remain unidentified told News Snot.

A Netherlands official close to the investgation showed outrage at the possibility of the ruse: “This is utterly pathetic. I can’t tell you how many such complaints I’ve heard about the better European teams playing against legions of light in the qualifiers. Why don’t they just send us their women?”

“This is a load of crap. It’s like Area 51 meets UEFA,” another Netherlands player quipped. “There were big husky Latvians on the field playing against us and they kicked too. They dented my shin.”

 

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No witnesses to food court shootout due to iPhones

Humor, News, Satire

A shootout at a crowded food court in a mall in Nevada left several people dead but no witnesses because everyone in the food court at the time was focused on their phones.

What was assumed by police and coroners to be a gangland-style shootout with no survivors in the middle of the food court at the Family Gardens Center mall near Reno, Nevada, has been dumbfounding detectives because no one on the scene at the mall actually looked up from their phones to be able to describe the incident.

“There was a shootout, we think, and there were at least 150 people in the room, but there are no witnesses because everyone was busy with their mobile phone devices and no one really noticed until well after the shooting stopped,” Lt. Jake Murphy, a detective with the South Reno Police Department, told News Snot.

One patron, Orlando Beeswick, reported that he almost saw what was going on.

“I thought I heard something going on, like real loud, but I was in the middle of a best score of Particle-Man,” he said.

“All of sudden there was like some hubbub, then by the time we realized that something awful happened, there were cops rushing us outside and ambulances and stuff,” Mooby Winowski, a patron of LipServiss, a nearby cosmetics store, told News Snot. “I was comparing their products with Amazon when it happened so I kind of missed it.”

But many were completely in the dark.

“I didn’t hear nothing,” Lewis Skyles, a guy eating teriyaki right in the middle of four dead bodies said. “I was just like eating and reading my Facebook and they was shooting each other dead.”

Police said they were continuing to interview mall patrons but were losing confidence they could complete their investigation.

“I’ve had it with this. I’m going home to listen to my 8-track,” Benicent Willigrew, a local detective, said.

U.S. President Barack Obama, minutes after giving a speech saying he would amnesty illegal immigrants in the country after the November elections, signed an order that mistakenly freed nearly all regularly held inmates in the U.S. federal and state prison systems.

The order, a spoof of the immigration presidential order written by junior interns at the White House, called for the release of 1.9 million prisoners in the U.S., including maximum security and death row inmates, effective immediately.

Obama signed it without noticing, but because it had the presidential seal and his signature, federal and state authorities had no alternative but to comply.

“Jeez, we wrote up the spoof order as a place holder on the desk, but the writers were late with the real one, so the president signed the wrong one,” said Lev Monisky, an intern at the White House.

By 2 p.m., most of the prison facilities in the U.S. were emptied, with prisoners celebrating in the streets, bars and private meth houses.

“This was f***ing retarded, but I sure am enjoying it,” Joey Mancuso, a 31-year-old inmate freed from a 40-year sentence for grand theft auto, told News Snot.

Another inmate of the New Jersey prison system, freed after serving two years on drug charges, said he would waste no time in getting back to the “cop spot.”

Officials at the White House were confident the correct amnesty pledge — the one offering amnesty to the illegal immigrants — would be signed at a future White House ceremony.

Sammy Stein, a White House press office official said that the federal government acknowledged the error but was trying to make the best of it.

“One positive way to see it is, ‘Hey, we’ve got a lot of new real estate on the market for new elementary schools — another one of the president’s initiatives. Some of our newer prison facilities don’t even need to be retrofitted,” Stein said.

“That’s just dumb. The government could have 4.2 million people locked up within a month if it wanted. They should use the empty prisons for that, not schools.” Fred Wilson, a public vigilante patrolling the streets of Omaha, Nebraska, told News Snot.

Inmates held in jail on certain charges, including jaywalking, cable theft and political crimes, were not covered under the amnesty order.

 

Obama signs wrong amnesty order, U.S. prisons emptied

Humor, News

Taco Bell in talks to buy National Sewage

News
Tacos could soon be served with "browncake" sewage if Taco Bell execs get their way.

Tacos could soon be served with “browncake” sewage if Taco Bell execs get their way.

Taco Bell reported on Sunday it was in talks with national sewage plant operator National Sewage. The company has not released any details of the discussions but Taco Bell executives close to the deal have said that the 50-year-old fast food giant wants to purchase National Sewage to leverage its 50-billion-ton-a-year waste output for fast food resources.

“The browncake that comes out of National Sewage’s 182 plants across the country Taco Bell looks at as a potentially invaluable resource for years like this year when beef and pork yields are down and prices are high. Our customers never really know what meat they’re eating with all the spices and sauces we give ’em,” said Sonny Bruno Vitale, a director with Taco Bell.

 

National Sewage officials explained that the deal has centered around Taco Bell’s proposal to use “browncake” — a chemically treated, dried, and pressurized sewage solids product — as a meat substitute in Taco Bell products.

“Most of the time, our customers have no idea whether they’re eating beef, chicken or pork,” said Paisio Lorenzo, a Taco Bell spokesman. “I figure browncake would be a cost-effective stand-in for our 99 cent tacos and softies.”

National Sewage executives are confident the deal — so far in undisclosed terms — will go through.

“Oh yeah, this is practically a done deal. I’m really happy cause I really love Taco Bell,” Miguel Porcino, National Sewage vice president of corporate sponsorship, told News Snot.

CNN to start Ferguson channel

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CNN and another unnamed news network unveiled a plan to start a new dedicated FergusonTV news channel to broadcast news 24 hours a day from the site of recent race and police problems.

CNN Chief Marketing Officer Bernie Purdo told News Snot the networks were starting the channel because they had to.

“We want to have our cameras on on the street at 2 a.m. irregardless of whether anyone’s around, even if it’s three years from now and the public has totally forgotten about Feruson,” Purdo said.

He added that the network has plans to construct a permanent news office in Ferguson close to the spot where Michael Brown was shot by the police.

“It’s our duty to keep an eye on the cops in Ferguson before and when they gun down Michael Brown #2,” Purdo said. “If we don’t do that we risk being yelled at by black people and trial lawyers.” 

Executives from BullshitTV — a new leading competitor to CNN — said they thought the idea was nuts and that CNN had already provided too much coverage of a dead news story.

“It tells you how dumb Americans have gotten if CNN has any ratings at all,” Bobby De Lucia, media director BullshitTV, told News Snot. “All this coverage of a cop killing a black, it’s fucking retarded.”

North Dakota Tattoo Artist Gets 4 for Inking Client w/ Bakken Oil

News, Satire
Oil is the center of a controversy of a North Dakota tattoo parlor accused of oiling a client's arm...

Oil is the center of a controversy of a North Dakota tattoo parlor accused of oiling a client’s arm…

A tattoo artist in oil-rich North Dakota was sentenced to four years after one of his clients complained of an skin infection after being injected with oil instead of ink in a design on his buttocks.

Jerd Cezik, of Tioga, operated a tattoo parlor there for the last five years, told Circuit Judge Svensson Chester McSvenson that he used oil “by client request only” as an “off-brown” shade and in this case his client had demanded it then reneged later when he got buyers remorse and claimed he didn’t like the color.

The client, Tyler McPicktrick, or Brownsville, Texas, claims he needs a skin transplant because of infection but was saved at the last minute because of an old family remedy of cactus weeds and pecan tree roots.

“Auntie’s potion damn near saved my right arm, but I still want to see this shyster sent away,” McPicktrick told News Snot.

Cezik countered, “I’ve used oil for browns, chocolates, maroons, purples, and this is the first time someone has ever complained that their freaking arm is ready to fall oft.”

North Dakota is the second-largest oil producer in the U.S., behind Texas only. It rose from the pack only six years ago due to improved horizontal drilling techniques in the rich Bakken shale and Three Forks formations in its western region.

The tattoo design in question is of a brownish lump, looking mysteriously scatological, with the words “Trump Bump” accompanying it, printed on McPicktrick’s left buttock cheek.

Cezik said he had tried to advise the client against the design but only after McPicktrick insisted on the design and the color did he decide to use the oil.

The judge told News Snot that he sided with the client because pictures of the client’s buttocks were disturbing.

 

NFL Agrees to Create New Team to Suit Desperate Tebow Fans

News, Satire

Tim_Tebow_Tebowing[1]

Tebow could get his own team in the NFL that will have its own anointed schedule that will feature team as anointed player, GM, and the fans as owners.

The NFL on Tuesday said it would expand the league by one team to be anchored by recently released mega star Tim Tebow.

This is in response to the noise made by the legion of his disappointed but very vocal fans who had everything from hold mass protests to petition President Obama to have Tebow play actively in the league since being let go by the Jets on April 30.

“The NFL has agreed to allow Tim not only to pick the team, but to play quarterback, coach the team, and play general manager, said Buff Shepherd, competitive relations director of the NFL.

The fans have agree to pitch in the monies to actually buy the team, which is tentatively called Jesus, and will play all away games on a freelance basis.

It has yet to be determined whether Tebowmania will have a full 16-game schedule or if it will just play exhibition-style games and then be allowed a shot at the playoffs because of Tebow’s special pressure playoff-caliber potential.

No one in the 16-state coalition of organizations putting up the money to purchase the team has agreed for an exaction location for the team, although cities like Tallahassee, Florida, Mobile, Alabama, Destin, Florida, Bangor, Maine, and Topeka, Kansas (home of Westboro Baptist Church) have all been eyed as possible homes for the team.

“I think we should allow God to determine all that. I’m pretty sure God wants Tim in the NFL playoffs. God wants Tim holding the Lombardi trophy. I believe that Jesus wants the trophy all to Himself next year. Thus, who better to hand it to Him than Tim? Tim Tebow seems predestined for all that,” Marc “The Lion of Jacksonville” Wilderer, President of the Florida Chapter of the Keep Tim Tebow in the Highest in the NFL, told News Snot.

Not all representatives in the NFL have seen this decision as a harmonious one, however. Marc Shepardson, competitive relations director, told News Snot, “The idea of having a 33-team league because of a bunch of whiny Jesus freaks in in the bible belt is just freakin’ stupid. They don’t even have any lawyers. The guys on our side answered their doors on a Sunday, got all worked up because of all this talk about Perdition and Hell and all that claptrap, and in a few weeks when the Save Tim Tebow Coalition comes unwound and realizes it costs way too much money start a football than they thought, the whole thing is going to die out and we’ll be saved one of the stupidest mistakes in the history of the league. Even dumber than the team that drafted the guy in the first place.”

Shepardson, it should be noted, has gone missing since the interview and the initial publication of this article. Anyone with any knowledge of his whereabouts should contact the Save Tim Tebow Foundation.

Togo Jumps U.S. on Intellectual Capital Index

News, Satire

Togo, AfricaTogo has surpassed the U.S. in terms of intellectual capital and cultural wisdom, a leading global survey reported on Friday.

The World Intellectual Capital and Cultural Smarts Index 2013 rated Togo number 28, jumping up seven spots from the 2012 survey. This improvement saw the tiny West African nation leapfrogging over the U.S. at number 29. The U.S. fell three places, continuing a pattern of year-on-year declines over the last decade.

Togo officials were overjoyed but confident in continued rises in its intellectual capital. “This has been a long time coming for us, because we are a small but very complex nation in a complicated world with a ton of smarts,” said Nicolas Baddogo, a history professor at Lome University in the nation’s capital. “But our people are sharp as tacks. Within five years we’ll be in the top 10. Make no mistake.  We do a lot more than watch Jeopardy.”

The U.S., meanwhile, once a world lion in intellectual capital, has become somewhat of a minnow. It has saw steady decline since topping the charts steadily since the index first began in 1953. It’s position at number 290 puts it behind not only Togo, but Belarus, Qatar, Malaysia, and Mongolia.

“I’m not sure why the United States keeps seeing a steady decline in intellectual capital,” Stuart Gaines, federal undersecretary of educational endeavors, told News Snot.  “Our economy seems to be doglegging. Gas prices are on Walmart meth, y’know, up and down depending on nothing rational. I can’t see why people aren’t coming up with ideas anymore. I can’t figure this out.”

Meegan Soongebird, director of the Bring it Back! Institute in Harvey Gardens Florida, had a few more concrete ideas about the American IntelCap plunge. “As parents we’ve spent too much time sucking in the seventies. Our kids do nothing more than wear hoodies and play with their phones, have cybersex, take drugs, and watch cartoons, while the kids in the third world actually use their brains because they have to. They can use smartphones and use and abacus too, plus study microbiology, and actually learn to use apostrophes. You should see my two 20-somethings — no drive but piercings everywhere. Their intellectual capital scores equal are in the negatives. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I thought I taught we sent them to good schools. But Togo? I can’t believe we’ve been overtaken by a Pacific Island (sic).”

Earth-bound Comet Seen as “Cosmic Karma” Due to Weak Singing — Scientists

Humor, News, Satire
Could voice transformers be triggering a potential Armageddon?

Could voice transformers be triggering a potential Armageddon?

Scientists from a leading cosmological observatory have speculated that a recently tracked meteorite has actually changed course towards earth and is seen colliding with earth in 2017-2018.

This comes after a much smaller meteorite slammed Russia in February.

The reason? Voice transformers.

“Voice transformers actually send out certain frequencies that escape into deep intergalactic space and can actually influence the path of interstellar objects, even comets and meteorites, asteroids and the like, and this one, e-3038-vX5, has, hypothetically, had its path influenced by these frequencies,” Millard Dilt, a scientist with the Near Earth Projectiles Institute in Coventry, U.K., told News Snot. “Now, I believe, the goddamn thing is aimed directly at us and it’s impact could wipe out billions. Perhaps the only way to stop it is to either send out a blast of voice transformers on a different frequency to push it off its path and then to outlaw the use of them forever.”

David Shtrop, observer at the McAllen Belt Project at Las Altas Observatory in the High Andes, agrees. “I would say we’ve got to throw all that awful voice transformer music we’ve got at that asteroid and then, cease and desist forever. I do believe that this is cosmic karma on this planet for letting that crap get played on public airwaves anyway. God I hate voice transformers. It’s just a blanket covering up bad singing.”

The problem is, meteor 3-3038-vX5 is not actually a meteorite, but is a meteor. It is much larger than the usual meteorite.

“It’s almost the size of a comet,” said David Polanski, of the Newmar Springs, California, observatory. “It could actually wipe Canada off the map, whatever that would mean to the Risk board. That’s why I and several other concerned astronomers have been petitioning congress to have voice transformers and that really awful pop music that goes along with it outlawed and sunk to the bottom of the seas where it would overpowered by whale groanings.”

Not so, said Mizzi Legzzup, of VazzuDisk, a label known for signing talentless singers and then glossing over their voice flaws with transformer tricks, much in the same way that high-gloss men’s magazines airbrush over ladies’ bodily flaws throughout the ages. “I don’t care how many comets meteors or asteroids are on their way, there’s no way we’re ever going to stop using the voice boxes with our talent. It makes their singing so beautiful.”

Polanski disagreed. “Voice changers are a scourge. There’s like billions of them out there now. They sound like shit and they’re nothing but toys sold for stupid people to play with and for even stupider people to enjoy listening to. After the comet hits, I’m going to be the first one in line to string that Legzzup chick up, if her leggings haven’t been singed too badly that she isn’t at home hiding in her bathtub.”